To an eye filled with,
Sexual desire, extreme,
Every act is foreplay.
To an eye filled with,
Sexual desire, extreme,
Every act is foreplay.
Jim woke up at seven, but he wanted to sleep a little more. There was no reason for him to wake up this early except for the general concept of well being related to waking up early. He anyway, woke up. He though to light up a cigarette, and was also feeling pressure to go to the loo. He decided to smoke first but in the middle of the smoke, he felt intense pressure to go to the loo, so he doused the cigarette and went to the loo. After the loo he wanted to smoke another cigarette but thought better of it. It was time for his morning drink. It could be tea, coffee, or any fruit juice. All three of them seemed equally good options. He didn’t know which to choose. After half an hour of contemplation he decided to drink coffee, but there was no particular reason why he chose coffee. After having his morning drink, he decided to brush. There were three types of toothpastes – Ayurvedic, salt mixed, and another for sensitive teeth. He picked the toothpaste for sensitive teeth though he did not have sensitive teeth. Next was another difficult question – what to wear.
He opened his cupboard. There were jeans and trousers, half pants, capris, and pajamas. He decided to wear trousers. There were shirts- solids and checkered, t-shirts with prints of full sleeve and half sleeve. He decided on a half sleeve, printed t-shirt. Next was underwear – he had boxers, trunks, and v-shaped. He decided to wear trunks. There was no particular reason for him choosing this outfit nor any practical reason, but it took him about half an hour. Choosing this he went for a bath. There were different types of soaps- gel soups, bars, and a shower gel. He admired all three for some time and decided to use the shower gel. Again, there was no particular reason for him choosing the shower gel. He wanted to shampoo, but he didn’t have a conditioner which he liked, so he decided not to shampoo his hair. He patted himself dry, dressed himself and was ready for break-fast. It was ten’o clock.
For breakfast he had many options. There was last night’s fried rice. His mother had made stuffed parathas, and he also had the option of Nutella and cheese sandwich, with juice or milk. After a lot of thinking, he had the stuffed paratha with milk. He didn’t know awhy he choose this meal against the other available. Next, he readied his bag to go to the factory. His father had already gone at about seven. He decided which bag to carry between a laptop bag and a school bag. He then straight away headed for his parked car, but changed his mind and instead decided to go on the bike. But, before that he wanted to smoke another cigarette. He took his packet out and put it back. He wanted to smoke another brand, therefore went to a shop to buy, where he got more confused seeing the various options. After rummaging through the options, he choose to have a vanilla cigar instead of a cigarette. He was going to light it with a match stick but decided to buy a lighter. It took him another five minutes to choose the the lighter. After smoking, he reached to factory office where his father was waiting for him. It was about 12 pm.
Jim had come home for a holiday, to his parents house. For ten months in a year, he lived in a different city, attending college. After reaching the factory, he started thinking whether to take interest in the workings of his father’s factory. He wanted to show interest and please his father, but also didn’t want to get involved, fearing his father may make him work more than he wanted to work. Undecided, he just decided to roam around the factory, staring at the laborers. After a while getting irritated, he decided to go home early. He didn’t want to. He tried to strongly deflate the building feeling of going back home. He knew his father won’t like it if he went back early, but after some time of inner turmoil, he decided to go. Informing his father that he is going back, he started his bike and was off. Midway, he stopped to smoke. It took him another five minuted to decide whether to smoke the cut cigar or cigarette, he decided to smoke the cigar and finish it. By the time he reached home, it was, three’o clock.
Reaching home, he wanted to eat something. He mostly had fruits for lunch. At the house, there was, mango, litchi, grapes, papaya, pomegranate, and guava. He could have any of this or a mixture of this or a juice of any one of them or mixed fruit juice. After going front and back with his decision for the minimum of fifteen minute, he decided to eat mango, but in the last minute decided to mix all the fruits, having little of all the fruits available. While eating he was watching the daily news and got confused about what to stand for or worry about. There was racism in the news, coupled with border disputes, economic inequality, social inequality, unemployment rise, spread of infectious diseases, rising personal insecurity, and many other issues all covered in a one hour news segment. He didn’t know what to care for and what to ignore. So he choose to care about nothing and ignored everything, watching the news only for entertainment value. He wanted to read but was feeling a little sleepy. He tried to continue reading the stand by Stephan King, but after a ten minutes read, he decided to sleep. He had decided to wake up in an hour but ended up sleeping for three. By the time he woke up it was seven thirty, and the light outside had turned to dusk.
When he got up, he was feeling very dazed. It was time for him to exercise, but feeling lazy, he did not want to exercise today. After fighting his mind for fifteen minutes, he decided to trudge up to the roof to exercise. He usually exercised for an hour, but ended up exercising for forty five minutes. Coming down he again took fifteen minutes to decide what to wear to sleep, and entered the bath. Soon ,he was confused wether to soap himself or not. After playing with the soap, he decided not to as he had soaped himself in the morning. Soaking himself in water for half an hour, he got out. Now he was confused wether to eat right away or after some time. He was feeling hungry but didn’t want eat so soon after exercising. After going to and fro from the kitchen, he could not control his hunger and decided to eat. His mother had made him dinner, and there was no choice of different dishes, so he just ate what was given, namely – potato, cereal, and double bread. By the time he finished eating it was ten thirty at night.
At night sitting in his room, he didn’t know whether to study his course subject or to read the Stephan King Novel. After some deep thinking he decided to watch a movie, and then study his course material. After watching the movie, he didn’t feel like studying and decided to read the novel, after a little confusion in his mind. He decided to sleep at two a.m but wasn’t feeling sleepy so kept reading, and fell asleep reading. In his dream, he saw a figure, a godly figure, but didn’t know whether the same was the devil or an angel. Dreaming his eyes opened for a while and saw it was again seven am, and decided to sleep a little further, confused for how much more time to do so.
Chasing your essence,
I catch it fluttering fleetingly,
To chase, cyclically.
My constant companion,
Maligned too often, happiness,
Your little sister.
Hot like lava beneath,
Simmering, erupting, thoughtless,
Destroying everything around.
Glimpses to every soul,
Close to every heart for sure,
To burn your master,
Your duty is, your presence is,
A Suffocating fire.
No relation can survive,
Without your existence divine,
Everything is doomed.
———————————————————————————————————————————note for understanding:-
Monk was saying to himself- the drugs don’t work, the drugs don’t work, but he could not fool his mind. The drugs did work. He had been using it recurrently for the past five years. A concoction of codeine with nitrazepam tablets called Nitroson ten was his daily dose, mixed with tobacco and marijuana. Over and above that he was taking LSD, MDMA, Morphine tablets, Dextromethorphan, BS, and opium whenever he could get his hands upon them. The drugs made him feel- something. Before, in the beginning, it had been Euphoria, but as the intake turned into addiction, it morphed into depression, irritability, paranoia, and whole lot of negative emotions. Life just became an endless circle of intoxication, wherein, each morning you got up with a singular aim in mind- to get high.
Now five years had passed and he had wasted all his college life doing this unsavory deed everyday. His parents and all his acquaintances of old were in the dark about his addiction. One day when he was visiting his parent’s home on a vacation. Tired, lost, and afraid of the future he told his parents about the addiction. His simpleton parents, living their village life, took it in their stride despite having such big hopes pinned on him, till now. He stayed home for the next three months wherein he got sober. He made up his mind never to do it again.
He built up scenarios in his dreams of refusing the drugs when offered. He dreamed of him living a clean life and working to earn money. He dreamed of appreciation from all his friends for his display of will power to finally overcome the drugs. He saw himself as a hero, a martyr, doing the right thing, progressing or climbing the ladder of life, one by one. He viewed all his dreams coming true if he just stopped the intake of these poisons in his body.
He finally left his parents to go back to college. The first month, he refused to to take anything – not even marijuana. He just had wine. The second month, he got a low paying job, just to keep himself busy. His college was an open college. It did not require attendance. When he started to go to office, slowly, overnight, he started taking two or three bong shots, every night. Soon he was working at daytime, and taking Marijuana in heavy dosages at night. Slowly but surely, the resistance built- evaporated. He got irritated at his low paying job. He quit his job and was back with his friends doing the regular codeine and tablets, with marijuana as a catalyst.
After a month of heavy drug usage, he suddenly realized what had happened, and though he did not want to go home- he did. Home was the one place he could not get intoxicated. He did not tell his parents that he had failed to get rehabilitated. He did not know why he had failed. He tried to search for the mistake he had done. He stayed for another three months at his home thinking what he had done wrong. How the past six months in his college had bought him to the same place, where it had all begun, like a vicious circle. He got no answers- for the first two months.
Then one day an answer started forming. He had imagined himself as some hero or martyr, when thinking of rehabilitation the last time, but the reality of it had been very different, to say the least. He felt bored, he could not sleep, he felt alone- more alone than when he was taking drugs. He felt sore and dissatisfied. Though he was doing the right thing – there was no one there to make him feel any different than when he was taking the drugs – not even his own mind. Basically, he had thought doing the right thing will make him feel better, will make him be seen better in the eyes of the society, and all his other problems will vanish too. None of those things materialized. He was no hero or martyr.
He now knew his mistake. If he didn’t want to take drugs, he was doing it for himself, and no one else. No one in particular was concerned for him. He was no martyr or hero, he was just an old druggie who was trying to get rehabilitated. He was doing something other people did as a norm, everyday. No one is going to feel pity for him or realize his inner struggle, he understood that. There were not going to be any other automatic variation in his life towards betterment if he did not take poison, except the difference he did not take poison. All other accomplishment will have to be worked for and will not be immediately granted to him just because he had started living like the majority of the planet.
He decided to go back to college. He did not join work but started studying. He accepted the drudgery and monotone of life. Accepted it and identified with it. The first month he did not do anything, but the second month he started to drink wine. He always was having smokes for he knew that was beyond his will power. He needed his smokes. The third month also he just had wine, and now it’s been a year – he has not touched anything except wine and the occasional beer. He does smoke ten smokes a day, but he is fine with it. He has not touched anything else except wine and beer. He is now proud of his accomplishment. No one except him and his parents are proud. He says he has found a new way of releasing serotonin – Writing.
I decided to do twenty pushups, for the first set, and ended up doing eighteen, and stood up. I thought it is the first day and I will improve. For the second set of pushups, my aim was again twenty, but as I did five, I felt too tired and my mind automatically reduced the set to ten pushups.Of that ten too, I did only nine. I said to myself, one does not matter and I will improve.
After a week, for my first set of pushups, I decided to to do thirty pushups and again ended up doing twenty eight. For my second set, in a similar manner, I reduced my total to twenty five, and ended up doing twenty two.
At first I thought I am improving, for in a week I had gone from fifteen pushups to thirty, and all my exercises had shown the same level of improvement. Then one day, it struck me that I always stop before the required goal, whatever the goal may be. If the aim was only ten, I alway give up on nine. This was the case with all the exercises. If I decide to run five kilometers, I ended up running Four point five kilometers. If I felt tired in the beginning my mind automatically lessened my aim to three kilometers.
At first I didn’t think much of it. I didn’t even notice it. But then, one day, I realized that this speaks something about my personality and I decided to consciously work on it. This conscious work has now improved me.
“I am the saddest person in the world.”shouted Mercury, standing in a an open grassland, under hazy yellow sunlight. His friend copper was with him and said, “Shut up, you haven’t attained an iota of sadness, you moron. If you would be sad, you would not be shouting happily at the top of your lungs, blaring like a goat.” Even since the new Buddha had given out the new principals for the attainment of nirvana, everyone was on the bandwagon to make themselves sad so that they could be like the Buddha of the 21st century. The new Buddha had preached the gospel of sadness. Only through true suffering and sadness can you attain salvation. Sadness and suffering was not just a part of life for him but an essential requisite of it. One of the principals, the new Buddha had laid out was, “ Only through sadness and suffering can you truly experience life, in all its richness and intensity, and when you have suffered sufficiently and gallantly, the meaning of life will present itself to you.” This had spawned of a hysteria, a new religion, to experience life in all its extreme emotions.
Mercury was not happy with what copper had said. He was really interested in the concepts of the new Buddha. But he did not say anything to copper for what he said made him sad, and that was the whole point. Mercury took these comments like a champion, wearing it like a medal around his neck. He knew that this is nothing compared what others had gone through but it was something. “ You can snarl all you like Copper, you only make me more committed to the gospel. Does this give you happiness, bringing me down like this.” To this Copper remarked with a sly smirk,” No, it makes me sad that I hurt my friend.” Mercury understood exactly what copper was implying but again took it in stride. He had a long way to go.
Ever since the new gospel came out, the whole meaning of life had changed. And with its popularity, even the laws had evolved. All sorts of self punishing techniques were common place and not frowned upon. People tried to starve themselves. People killed their loved ones. Sons killed their fathers, and fathers their daughters, mothers killed their babies and mutilation and maiming of oneself and their loved ones became very common. The law had to evolve with the same, and almost everything was accepted as legal as long as you could prove that the person was in your close acquaintances.
“ I am sorry Mercury, I should not make these awful remarks but you know, ever since my mother killed my father and thereafter herself, I have a hard time processing the new gospel. It’s not that I am downplaying your religious beliefs.”
“ I understand man. It’s all right, actually I am a little jealous of you. Here I am wanting to suffer and be sad and there you are, someone who does not believe in the words of the New Buddha but are suffering so greatly. You are very lucky.” Mercury made these remarks with the sincerity of a saint. No one he knew in his close acquaintances had even maimed himself let alone kill.
“ You know Copper, Mac is such a fake. All the time he keeps talking about suffering and when the other day I told him, let’s make small cuts on each other, on non fatal points. He refused outright. He just pretends that he has suffered so much. He is a coward and a coward can never suffer. They are too afraid of any pain.”
“ True that, Mercury. I have always known he was a fake. Remember I told you so last year but you did not believe me. I know a true believer when I see one and he is not a true believer, I have seen many true believers of the way.” Copper said that looking straight into Mercury’s eyes.
“I love you, Merc.”
“ I know Copper, and I love you too.”
Copper and Mercury locked lips passionately, not for the first time. They were lovers, and their love was true.
Copper was sitting on Mercury’s lap. Both staring far off to the mountains near the end of the grassland, confessing their love for each other. “ You know Mercury, sometimes I wish I was dead, then to live this crappy life in this upside down world.”
“ Do you really mean that, Copper?”
“ Yes, with all the suffering I have been through.”
“ Oh, My one and only love, forever and ever, how much I am gonna miss you.” Copper startled by this asked mercury,” Why do you say you miss me, I am right here.”
A second later, a knife had pierced his heart and he was bleeding profusely. He turned around to see his crying killer – Mercury. Copper’s last words were,” What have you done?”
Mercury all the while whimpering said,” Only you could have provided me real pain. I don’t love anyone except you. Not my parents, not my other friends, no one.”
Copper was long dead to hear these words from Mercury. Mercury meanwhile was crying like a child. He truly loved Copper.
Merc had to call the police and he immediately did that. Thereafter, he cried a little more. The law required every killing to be reported as soon as possible. Though no charge would be pressed if he could prove that he was a close acquaintance of Copper. The law by close acquaintance meant – Father, mother, siblings, in laws, nieces and nephew, and lovers.
The police arrived and took the body and Merc to the police station. He didn’t have any difficulty as there were several photos of them where they could be explicitly seen as lovers, without a doubt. The police officers after taking the general information, closed the case, and asked Copper to incinerate the body. Due to the high death rate, the bodies were incinerated immediately in the police incinerator. Usually a close relative was allowed to do the honors of the incineration.
As soon as the police officer waled out, Copper’s sister Marge came in. She looked red as molten lava. Marge started hysterically, “ You nutcase, you took the only family I had. Bastard. I don’t even know what to say to you, you piece of garbage.”
“ His death pains me more than you can imagine. I loved him.”
“ Like hell you did.”
“ I did and he loved me too. I just wanted to suffer, and he wanted to die.” Said Mercury nonchalantly.
“ Okay tell me this now, If you killed him to suffer, how can this make you sad. You wanted this to happen to you, and by all logical estimates, you idiot, when you want something to happen and that occurs, does that not make you happy?” She said this all the while panting and crying. Merc looked confused and did not reply anything.
After a few minutes of Silence from him, he said, “ I have to go to incinerate my love.”
“ If you dare do that, i’ll fuckin kill you, you moron. I will do it myself, like I did for mother and father”
Mercury wanted to burn Copper’s body but he did not argue, he thought the pain of not being able to bury his lovers body will bring more suffering to him. “ Go ahead then Marge, I won’t argue with you.”
This made Marge even more furious. She turned and walked away, crying and disgusted.
Three months had passed since the incident. Mercury felt numb, he did not feel sadness as he had hoped for when he committed the act. The words of Marge, Copper’s sister were haunting him. Also such events had become so common around the world, it had put everyone in a state of inertia.
Recently he had started meeting this person from class, who seemed to be interested in him and his principles. The person’s name – Pravus. Pravus was definitely interested in him sexually, but he was not interested in Pravus. Mercury was fair, tall and muscular with a beautiful face. Pravus was dark, short, balding, with a pockmarked face. One day they were talking in the cafeteria.
“ I know, you don’t like me. I am so ugly. I know that. Though, I like you.” All the while sipping his cold coffee.
“ I am sorry, but I am not in that place anymore, And you are not ugly.”
“ Oh, you don’t have to be so nice. I know who and what I am. I have given up on finding love. Though I will not admit it to most. My ugliness keeps giving me immense pain. I am suffering but I can’t show it.”
“ You are suffering?” Merc said that in a very surprised manner. Here he was, having killed his lover, and he felt nothing. He continued, “ You are suffering, but I am not even though I killed my lover. How can that be ?”
Pravus smiled and said, “ Well, I think, something which you do to someone else, has little effect on you. I am not saying it has no effect. Human beings have empathy. But the maximum empathy they have is for themselves in a way. They feel for another person’s pain more, when they have experienced it themselves. Wouldn’t you agree with me?”
“ Yes, I think I do.” Thereafter Mercury became unresponsive to Pravus’s chit-chat. Pravus got the hint. In real he had been hoping that Merc starts to like him, but after a month of trying to get closer to him, he seemed he had not succeeded. Meanwhile, something disturbing was brewing inside the head of Merc.
Pravus and Mercury knelt before the picture of the new Buddha. They were going to perform a ceremony. The ceremony was to burn Mercury’s face. Mercury had reached a conclusion that he would experience real pain when he had deformed his face so no one will be attracted to him anymore, instead they would be repelled. He was sure such kind of deep hatred from others will make him truly feel.
They had got al the ingredients. Coal, to heat the rod. Morphine and injection to ease the pain. A video Camera to record the whole thing. “ Are you ready and more importantly are you sure?” Asked Pravus.
“ More sure than anything in my life. I deserve pain. I cannot go back now after killing Copper to not believing in the New Buddha. That would be an insult to his memory. Now don’t dampen my morale and get it started.”
Pravus injected him with the first dose of Morphine. And heated the rod. Then he placed the rod carefully on Merc’s forehead. He had to be careful not to damage his eyes. Slowly he burned his face from Forehead to chin. Merc was first screaming, thinking this is real pain, then he passed out before the rod could reach his eyes. Pravus gave him another two high dosage Morphine injections. He completed the process carefully.
All the while his mind was in glee. He thought, now you will know true pain, you sick fuck, and this is just the beginning. Pravus, Mercury did not know, was a childhood friend of Copper. The pungent smell of skin burning was fragrance to his mind.
For the first few months, Mercury experienced immense pain. Boils grew on his face and burst with lymph. His face blackened and scarred. He got addicted to Morphine tablets, to bear the pain, but didn’t stop with the pain subsiding. Pravus was suggesting further burn, but Merc’s parents took him under his wing and filed a report against him with the police, wherein he was not allowed to come near five hundred meters of Mercery.
The people in the beginning were were very sympathetic with his pain. But slowly all that faded and Merc was alone, like he had predicted. But still, the words of Marge haunted him. He had achieved what he wanted to, and that told him that he should be happy. He kept asking himself, Can only failure result in sadness. Can there be no attainment of pain through achievements. The thought were messing with his brain. He did not know what to think, but had all the time in the world to keep pondering these things over.
A year passed. He now definitely knew he was suffering. The reason of his sadness was not the burns, but loneliness. The need for another human being became immense. He now often remembered Copper and cried, uncontrollably. Though, this was not going to continue as a new chapter was opening up in his life.
He soon decided to start attending college again. Better to suffer humiliation than loneliness, he thought. He wore a mask to school. That made him blend in and the sympathetic feelings of the college crowd, didn’t make him feel much of an outsider. Soon, he was getting along almost like before in college.
In between these days, he started talking to a girl who he thought was fascinated by him. Her name – Carrie. Carrie had a fascination with the morbid, she told him. “ Your burnt face makes you even more attractive to me.”
“ Oh, stop it, don’t raise my hopes, Carrie.”
“ I am not joking. We have been meeting for a month now, and I have really started to like you.” This made Merc blush. He started hoping and wishing. The fact that she believed in the Gospel of the New Buddha made her even more attractive to him. Slowly but surely they got together, became physical and decided to live together.
Mercury could not believe his luck. He had given up on finding any lover. Pravus’s ugly theory had convinced him of it. But, now here he was with a gorgeous women. Carrie had cut of her left arm from the elbow down to suffer pain and sadness.
One day she told him, “ Yo, why don’t you cut of your arm and I will burn my face like you. This can be a type of bond between us,”
“ No, don’t burn your face. I love that face. I will cut of my arm to show my commitment to you.”
“ That is not fair”, Carrie said, but Merc convinced her.
Carrie gave him morphine again for the mutilation. He had not done morphine since the time he had met Carrie. He believed Carrie was his morphine now. He truly had fallen head over heels for her. But he would need it for the procedure. The mutilation was carried out by Carrie as she had already done it to herself and to some of her friends a few times. She had experience in mutilation.
After a month of the mutilation, Carrie went home for some time to live with her parents.
Later when his hand was all better, he decided to visit Carrie. He took a flight to her city. She was there to welcome him. On the way to her home she told him there are some friends that would like to meet him. So they got out and sat in the cafe waiting for the friends. When the friends of Carrie arrived his blood froze. It was Marge, and Pravus. Both of them laughed at seeing him. He could not understand. They joined him at the table.
Marge said, “ So, you moron have you suffered enough.” Smiling like a snake. An evil smile at least from the perspective of Merc. She continued,” You see all three of us are childhood friends, actually more than that, we are family. You took away one of us. You are a religious fanatic, a sociopath, and I don’t know what else. I would have killed you but then Pravus came up with a better plan. To basically give you what you wanted. You did nit love my brother, Pravus did, you asshole.” Pravus did not say anything but tears were rolling down his eyes.
By now, Mercury didn’t really care for Pravus. He looked expectantly at Carrie but as he did, she spit right on his face. “ I can’t believe I had to kiss that ugly, stupid, vain face.” And stood up. Without saying another word all three of them walked away. They had planned not to talk a lot so as not to give him any kind of closure. They just wanted to let him know that his whole life after Copper’s incident had meant nothing, and that Carrie never truly loved him.
Mercury, crest fallen, exploited, injured, torn, maimed, manipulated, burnt, and ditched, went back home. After a few days he stabbed himself, on his neck, heart, stomach, thighs and genitals. He had committed suicide.
Before committing suicide he left a note for Marge. The note was sent to her. It read,
“ Dear marge, sorry I hurt you, but you must know that whatever I did, I did not not have malicious intent from my side. I know to you that is no justification. I am writing this to tell you I understand now – my foolishness and fanaticism. After understanding this how can I live with myself. I should better die. It’s too painful.
The new Buddha is a false god. I read about the old Buddha, and he opened my eyes. How could I ever think such violence and extremism to be anything good. Sadness and suffering are nothing to be aimed for in this life. Satisfaction and happiness in moderation is the right way. I don’t want to keep blabbing on, like a baboon. I just wanted to communicate that I am sorry. I never ever apologized to you for taking away your brother – Sorry again and the the best for your future life. Give my love to Carrie and Pravus. I forgive them, and hope they can do the same for me. Bye.
PS – I truly loved you brother.
Your Brother’s love
Reading this Marge though still angry at Merc could not help but cry as she knew that what he wrote, was the truth.
—————————————————————————————————————————————–Note- Comments and criticism are most welcome.
You waltzing firefly,
Light bearing torch of desire,
Your light is so blue.
You teaser of hearts,
Hercules lives at your feet,
Dons his toga blue.
You true love seeker,
Inventing love principles,
Your laws are so blue.
You players of love,
Sometimes there, never always,
You scatter your blues.
Sitting in lecture had always been boring for Ska. He didn’t believe in getting taught or he just did not consider the teachers worth their mettle. Everything is there in the books, he thought and I can learn from there. The only reason he attended lectures was because of all the attention he got from the girls, specifically these two girls – Trinity and Grace. They were sitting right next to him even right now. He didn’t have to do anything special to gain their attention. He was good looking and knew it. Tall, fair, with a neat beard and mustache that complimented his face and a body though not athletic but still muscular and in the right proportions.
Grace was a doting person and she did not hide her feelings for him in anyway. It was pretty obvious to him and everyone that she wanted to be with him romantically. She was brown with short hair, thin lips, small nose, and a curvaceous body with voluptuous Breasts. Even now she was sitting beside him, chatting away with him, even if he showed interest or not.” Say, Ska, would you like to go to the movie with me after the lectures. I know you love action movies and I have heard lots of good things about this Mad Max which is showcased in the nearby theatre?”
Ska looked around like rummaging for some hidden article in the air, and replied, “ I’ll think about it, but not today, some other day. I don’t feel like going anywhere today.”
After the lecture, while going to the canteen with Trinity and Grace, he asked Trinity to join him and Grace for the movie they were planning. She said “i will think about it but I don’t really like action movies.” Trinity was short, fair, with long shining black hair, slender body and well proportioned breasts. She liked him but did not show it so outwardly, though Ska knew she liked him. There were many suitors for her, in and around the college, hovering over her like scavengers.
Later, in the afternoon, when he was with his male friends smoking some reefer in the college field and playing football, all his friends teased him about his prospects for the two girl. Uncouth comments which are not uncommon in boys private talks were being hurled at him.
“Hey, Ska, girls are after you, man, but you have to choose one. Please choose Grace because I would like to ask Trinity out myself.” Said one of his friends. Most others also had the same aspirations concerning Trinity. She was getting quite popular in college.
Ska was a bit confused. He liked both of them. Maybe, he liked Grace more, but his mind did not give him any definite answer. The college seems to have a thing with Trinity though. She seems to have won many hearts even though Grace was clearly the more friendly and giving person, always kind and attentive to everyone. But, the popular opinion on her was not sexual – a good person but not pretty in the obvious popular sort of way.
The next day after college, the three of them went to the movies together. After the movie , while walking out of the theatre discussing it, Trinity said,” I hated the movie, no semblance of a story, and very unrealistic.” Ska was ecstatic with the movie, shouting,” I loved it, I loved it.” And thereafter Grace added, “ if you loved it, so did I.” This made Trinity who had been showing small signs of hostility towards Grace, snidely remark,” Oh, don’t be such a dog.”
This made Grace go red and made her angry though she tried to hide it. She looked expectantly at Ska but Ska even though he felt bad and wanted to say something, did not say anything. The movie and the good times were over. He knew it. He had to decide which one of the girls to ask out. He could not keep this up any longer.
He liked Grace more, but his popularity and pride was staked on Trinity. He knew dating Trinity would make him popular, more than he already was and it was not that he was not attracted to Trinity. He was going to make a decision soon.
A month later. Ska is sitting with his friends, smoking the reefer, and Trinity was there too. She started shouting, very serious “ What an idiot you are, Ska, can’t you do a single thing straight. I told you I don’t like chocolate, and you keep getting me the same. Will you never learn. oh, what a duffer I have for a boyfriend. It must have been my unlucky day, the day I said yes to this good for nothing guy. Actually, good for only drinking and smoking.” Ska kept shut, embarrassed a little in front of his friends. One of his football pals remarked,” You know you can leave him, you aren’t married or anything.” Trinity looked at him, then in a serious tone said,” I know, and maybe I will.”
Later that semester Ska is alone. There is neither Trinity, neither grace with him. Trinity has left him. She hardly ever comes to college now. Grace and he still talk but not like before. A wall has been built between them that seems to make it hard to reach out to each other. He wants to ask Grace out. He still likes her but something in him does not let him. He can’t exactly put a finger on it, but it’s between pride and guilt.
In the next semester, Ska has decided to ask Grace out. He will apologize to her, and do whatever it takes to make it unto her. The semester holidays showed him that he was miserable and his desire for Grace had steadily increased, in the meantime. It was the the first day of the semester and he knew everyone will be there. He saw Trinity first, and it took the wind out of his sails. She was with his football friend, and they smiled at him. He smiled back, but all three of them knew it was a fake smile. Morose, he frantically started looking for Grace.
He saw Grace and started making his way to her, when he sees that somebody has put his hands around her eye, in a very playful manner. He stops in his tracks. It’s Jim, he is shorter than Grace, really untidy, with curly hair. He is peculiar, a little strange, but has a reputation of being a very good writer. He is nowhere as good looking as him. Grace catches his hand, lifts it away from her eyes, and kisses them. Ska’s heart stops and darkness descends upon him. He runs back to his room. He wants to cry but no tears will fall, however hard he tries.
Ska reaches his room. He didn’t attend a single lecture, and he was not going to for a long time. His interest in college had suddenly evaporated. He crushed some reefer, mixed some tobacco in it, and took one bong shot after another, till he was flying high, like a lonely kite. He switched on the radio which started singing out,” Early one morning the sun was shining, I was laying in bed, wondering if she had changed at all, if her hair was still red.” Now, suddenly, tears started flowing from his eyes, uncontrollably.
How much I know me?
Reflection on the river,
Brown with sediment.
How much I know you?
Like some distant cold mirages ,
On Lone desert roads.
Do I know anything?
Only as much as a jester,
Of a very cruel king.
God – Welcome D. To your judgement day.
D – Am I dead?
God – No, alive. What you called alive was really dead. An illusion.
D – I have no words, except these.
God – This judgement day is not really a judgement day, but a confession my son. Confess your sins to me, and you shall be absolved of them.
D – I don’t know where to start, my Lord. I have lived a very sinful life. I thought you didn’t exist.
God – Fear not, for you shall be absolved of them. Tell me the sins you have committed, which you think you have committed.
D – Forgive me father for I have sinned. I have been lustful, and coveted my neighbors wife. I have wanted my Boss’s wife. I have wanted my friends wife, I have lusted for random strangers on the road. I committed adultery and I gave in to the flesh at all occasion, even when there were religious compunctions in my mind.
God – Anything else?
D – Forgive me father for I have sinned. I am guilty of gluttony. I ate jam and sugar, and filled my stomach with wine. I ate in my sleep and ate when awake. I ate from the neighbors plate, and I didn’t want to share. I consumed too eagerly, without asking anyone else. I ate while my fellow humans starved. I ate when they asked for help.
God – Carry On.
D – Forgive me father for I have sinned. I coveted all material goods. When I could not get them fairly, I stole. When I could not steal them, I killed for them. I have committed all the sins possible- all the seven sins and everything beyond that too. I am tired, Lord. Don’t you Know them already, since you are omnipresent and all?
God – I know them and see them. Don’t you want be absolved from your sins ?
D – Yes father.
God – Then you are going straight to hell. For seven thousand years.
D – But I thought I have been absolved because I confessed to them, though not in detail because you already know everything. Then how can you send me to hell.
God – I said you will be absolved, but I didn’t say straight away. You will have to suffer the consequences of your action, son.
D – I feel cheated. I thought you were benevolent.
God – How can anyone who wants to control your life be benevolent. I am malevolent, I thought humans were rational thinking beings. Humans have defied me, and broken my rules. The halls of heaven are filled with animals, but no humans. The lion did as I directed him to and so did the sheep and even the worm, but not you humans.
D – I thought we were your special ones.
God – Special in the same way, the robots are special to you. Would you tolerate your robot or machines, if they went out of line and didn’t follow the program you set for it.
D – But they are non living.
God – No matter and who told you that ?
D – we made them.
God – And I made you, so weren’t you suppose to follow the program set by me. I provided a scripture to every human being, and none of them followed it.
D – So all humans are in hell.
God – Yes.
D- well that’s not so bad then, I guess.
God – You will soon know wether its good or bad.
D. – I mean , at least I will have company to share my suffering with someone.
God – You see, I am benevolent. Even in my malevolence, I am benevolent.
D- Tell me god, Do you have any friends or someone to share your life with except worms, ants, and their types. Someone of your own kind.
God – I am one, and I am infinite.
D – best of luck with that.
God – Your arrogance is nothing new to me. Half the humans are your type, and the other half are even worse. They follow my words only for their benefits.
D – So there is no way to get to heaven. It’s a catch.
God – Think whatever you have to and think for another seven thousand years. Then maybe you understand and live a pure life.
D – Who is your god?
God – no one.
D – I find that hard to believe.
God – I don’t believe.
D – So, god is a non – believer. But, at least you are giving some answers now. Though not very satisfactory ones.
God – These questions are irrelevant to you. I created you, so you follow my program, that is all I ask from you.
D – I feel sick. I didn’t know I could be sick. The whole point of existence to me seems the slavery for you, that is according to you.
God – I have had this conversation a billion times with a billion different souls. There is no answer to this.
D – Now, even god does not have answers. The whole point of existence looks bleak to me now. It’s better to do what I want to rather than listen to you. What is the point in listening to you anyway?
God – You will soon find out in the fiery pits of hell.
D – That is a scare tactic, and I would rather suffer than live like a coward.
God – As you wish, now off with you.
D – The god is the devil.
( D starts falling down to hell, on fire like a rocket entering the earth’s gravity)
God – Now, that was irritating. These humans, they never learn.
( You are a dream. I, who says, you are a dream, am also a dream. This is a mystery. And it will remain a mystery for the next ten thousand generations.
– Zhuang Zhou, 4th Century B.C )